I remember the moment I decided I wanted to be a nurse. I was actually in school to be a police officer, and was on a police ride along in my home town. There was this accident; this 19 y/o kid was pinned beneath his car. He'd missed the turn and crashed, at about 90 mph, into a field and flipped his car. He hadn't been wearing a seat belt, and went through his windshield while flipping. The car landed on him. He had been drinking; that was strongly suspected, from the empty beer cans in his car, to the odor of alcohol, to the accident itself., But my immediate concern was his rescue and whether he would walk again, or even survive. Thankfully, no one else had been hurt. I remember being struck that before he'd even been loaded into the ambulance, the officer was writing a ticket. I remember being struck by that; like, thinking, "I think he's been punished enough. And, he might not even live, why are you writing a ticket now? If he dies, are you going to send the bill to his parents?" It was conflicting; you aren't supposed to feel sorry for the law breaker. How can you be a good cop if you feel bad about writing a ticket?
You have to be tough. You have to do the right thing, even when people hate you for it. You have to see things that would traumatize most people, and stay in control of your emotions and take control of the situation. Being a cop isn't easy. Because of the nature of the job, people don't appreciate you. You're in danger, even when making a traffic stop. There's a high suicide rate. It's very stressful. I knew all that.
Then, the whole last semester I was in police school, I had an officer/firearms instructor bully me and tell me every single class that he didn't think I was strong enough to be a cop. He would single me out, and scream at me in front of the class. He would pair me up with someone twice my size in defense and arrest tactics and then when I couldn't hold them back, tell me that I just wasn't physically strong enough to make it. I started to think I couldn't handle it. God, I hated that man. But he actually did me a favor.
But on that night, as they closed those ambulance doors, and drove away, I wondered about the kid, who was only a few years younger than I was. The image of him lying under that car haunted me. Because I never knew what happened. And I realized, I want to be on the other side. I want to be where the ambulance ends up, and get the patient and help him heal. I realized that I didn't want to write tickets. I started police school because I wanted to help people, but I knew my personality. I hated confrontation. As a cop, you have to able to face down dangerous people and hold your ground. You have to do the right thing, even when you're threatened, or threatened with violence.
So fast forward to nursing school, and surviving clinicals, and then passing the dreaded NCLEX. Having two kids while in nursing school, and the tears when I was exhausted and my baby was crying for me and I had to go to work after a grueling day in clinicals. Having people tell me I was a bad mom for not staying home with them, when I didn't have the financial option to stay home. When I was working so hard to provide. Proving myself. Getting my license as first and LPN, then an RN. Taking care of patients. Seeing them get better and having that sick patient hold my hand and thank me for being there. Seeing patients get better and go home. Sobbing over the patients that had become like family, and would not recover and watching them die. Slowly. Holding a baby that was on hospice and knowing, whatever care I gave, it wouldn't make it better. Wanting to fix things and realizing there was no fix for this.
And then, as nurses all do, I DID deal with confrontation. I learned to deal with angry family members who yelled and were unreasonable in the face of a tragedy they didn't know how to handle. People watching a loved one die and lashing out at the nurse or CNA just because they were there. While most people just yell and are rude some people are violent. Yes, I have been attacked by patients. I have had angry family members demand that I give someone their scheduled blood pressure medication, when I'm treating them for a blood pressure of 60/40 and praying they don't die. I've been shoved. I've been hit. I had someone throw a urine soaked towel at me because she was angry that I told her it was inappropriate to pee on the floor because she couldn't have a candy bar. I've had family members tell me they wanted to blow up the hospital because they didn't like what the doctor said. I've had a patient threaten to shoot all the healthcare staff in the head, because he didn't get his pain medication fast enough. I can't even count the times I've had inappropriate sexual comments made to me by patients. Or been touched inappropriately by patients who are NOT confused. Even in front of family members who laugh and think it's cute. I've had family members angry because I dared to take a lunch break. I've had family members come into the staff break room to demand something, like coffee, or water. I've been threatened because I can't violate HIPAA. And I had to just keep working. You can't go home or get a day off because someone threatens you. You have patients to care for. People who depend on you. So you get past the crappiness so that you can make the day less crappy for those that need you.
Most healthcare workers have faced violence, and have faced it multiple times. We have been told we can't defend ourselves, because it's abuse. We have been told we can't violate patient rights. And now, we have a culture where it's acceptable assault health care workers. Now, our job performance is rated by patient satisfaction scores, not by actual care, or treatment. Now, even if we saved your life, if your coffee was cold, we could have "poor" performance. But we get past that because we care about our patients. We care about helping people and saving lives.
So we are used to abuse from patients and families. It is NOT okay, but we are used to it. When the violence gets too bad, who do we call? Security or the police. So, you can imagine, how much it shook us to the core to see one of our own attacked, not by a patient, but by a police officer. Why? Because she was DOING HER JOB. She was following policy. She was calling her supervisors and admin for clarification and they were backing her, yet she was still bullied, harassed and then ultimately arrested because she wouldn't and could not break the law and violate hospital policy. Because she stood by her patient, even when her loss of liberty and her safety was threatened.
I have never been prouder to be a nurse. Because we are not "just" a nurse. We are tough. We face harassment, and abuse, and violence every day, but we don't shirk from our duty. We don't back down. We don't give in to threats. We don't violate our patient's rights when we are bullied and intimidated. We protect our patients, whether they are a CEO of a large company or a homeless person that no one knows. Because our patients matter to us. And we protect them. We do our best to save them, and advocate for them. We teach. We help. We hold their hand when they are scared and freaking out. Even if it means telling them something they don't want to hear.
I stand with Nurse Alex. I will admit that I have less grace and dignity than her. She remained calm while advocating for her patient. She was not rude or sarcastic. Even now, she hopes for education and reform, not revenge. She makes me proud to be a nurse. And she makes me proud that I changed my mind, so many years ago. You can be tenderhearted and compassionate and caring, and still be tough.
But after watching that video, I am on my guard. I look at the cop that comes in to the hospital and wonder if the nurses will be attacked. And that is sad. Officer Payne's actions didn't hurt one nurse. He hurt his fellow officers, and he hurt other nurses. His department response of simply removing him from the blood draw program until the video was released and then the subsequent outrage prompting the paid leave and then the total leave tells me that they were okay with what happened, until the public outrage forced them to do more. ONE MONTH. One month where they simply removed him from the blood draw program. Not really a punishment. After all, he's a detective. He collects evidence. Is it legal? Because he was demanding illegal evidence at a hospital, and even though, per administration, he was told, this is our policy that YOU AGREED TO, he refused to take that and insisted on getting his evidence. And now, only now, after the public is aware, is he paying the consequences. Only now, after the video is released, is the PD apologizing.
Why is this happening? That's what Alex kept asking. Because she didn't break the law. Unfortunately, police brutality has long been an issue. And people respond with, "well, you should't have broken the law", or "you should have followed orders". The fact was that she couldn't comply with orders, because if she had, she would have broken the law. Yet she was still arrested, and roughed up by a cop. And even after viewing the video, Payne's department did not immediately place him on leave. They thought that just by removing him from the blood draw program, that would be enough.
So, thanks to the Salt Lake City PD, and their inaction before the video was released, people will fear that they, too, could be arrested when they haven't broken the law. That they too, could be arrested for exercising their rights, or the rights of others. Because very little was done before that video was released. Certainly no apologies. How many times did Payne bully someone into giving evidence when he didn't have a warrant? Or bullied someone into an illegal search because he threatened arrest? And until the public outrage forced the department to act, Payne got away with it. Which is tragic, because there are good cops out there. But with all the police brutality cases out there, tensions are high. But in most cases, the victim doesn't have such clear and compelling evidence as was seen in this video. And it shocked America to the core. And it made people are more afraid than ever.
And honestly, I am afraid too. Every time a cop walks into my hospital, I will be afraid. Because they may prove more a threat to me than an angry patient. Or an angry family member. And if the police won't protect me, who will? Violence against health care professionals is very real, and the last thing we need is for the ones who are sworn to protect us turning on us for DOING OUR JOB. If you want to repair the rift, then remove the cause of it. That goes for every excessive force case, not just nurses who are simply following the law and their hospital policy. However, if you defend and blame, then you only widen that chasm.
So, SLCPD. Your inaction has caused a nation to fear you. A nation that previously backed you. You have put innocent officers in danger, because by protecting Payne, you showed that you were okay with brutality. A whole police force. He was only removed from the blood draw program before the video was released. That was like a slap on the wrist. He was fired from his job as an EMT, simply for his inappropriate comments. Yet, he remains employed by your department. A nation asks, "why?" "Why is this happening?"
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